A year ago, I wrote about my five-year immigrantversary. Year six was last week. I find that in adulthood, it happens so often that there are things I want to do, new things to try, new hobbies to explore, and then I realize it has been a whole year and I haven't done or tried any of them. Yet somehow I am "busy" all the time. Blogging is just one of those things.
Several months ago, I made one of the hardest decisions of my life and broke my marriage. That was like taking a walk through hell. Safe to say that the past year has been the most bizarre of my life. So much has happened, and not all of it is stuff I would like to tell the internet about. My quiet, cozy, regular life was inverted and submerged, and I have been trying to find my footing and calm the storm. I've learned that I am resilient. I have learned that being true to yourself is more important than doing what you think will make other people happy, even when it is really really uncomfortable. I have learned a lot about the powerful strength of love and what "family" really means. I am amazed by the grace of other people; by the fortitude some people have to accept what really is a shitty situation and extend their love instead of succumbing to the darker sides of human nature. I hold the words of my mother in law, "you are still my daughter even if you are not married to my son" close to my heart.
I am sure it is not ever easy to go through this, but in a foreign country with your family an ocean away, it sucks pretty bad sometimes. It would suck a lot more if the people around me were not so stubbornly determined to choose love. Icelanders are amazing that way. In general, everyone is sad that it ended, myself included, but then people say something along the lines of, "Well, but these things happen, and it is so good that you are friends, and can still be good parents to the children." Exactly. I never thought this would happen, and when it did I was worried I would never be happy again. I was worried (irrationally) that since so much good in my life has come from this relationship, if the relationship ended, so would the good stuff. But that's not true. This experience (and subsequent therapy) has made me realize that I am a very positive person...maybe a bit too positive sometimes. I can tend to see the world the way I want it to be instead of how it actually is. Looking on the bright side makes me a happy person, but it also makes me ignore things that should not be ignored, and justify things that should be challenged head-on.
I find myself thinking of Yggdrasil, the tree of life in old Norse mythology. The way I see it, I have been following a nice, easy branch on my journey through this life. My branch was sturdy and straight. It was the branch that I thought I was supposed to climb. Such a beautiful branch when you look at it from down below. But my branch hit a snarl last year. A big, terrifying ugly knot in the wood. It feels like I am on the other side of that now, and my life will not be the way I thought it would, but my branch is still there. It's still beautiful, but I don't see where it is going. I'm off script. Surrendering to some new adventure. Which is exciting, when you think about it.
Several months ago, I made one of the hardest decisions of my life and broke my marriage. That was like taking a walk through hell. Safe to say that the past year has been the most bizarre of my life. So much has happened, and not all of it is stuff I would like to tell the internet about. My quiet, cozy, regular life was inverted and submerged, and I have been trying to find my footing and calm the storm. I've learned that I am resilient. I have learned that being true to yourself is more important than doing what you think will make other people happy, even when it is really really uncomfortable. I have learned a lot about the powerful strength of love and what "family" really means. I am amazed by the grace of other people; by the fortitude some people have to accept what really is a shitty situation and extend their love instead of succumbing to the darker sides of human nature. I hold the words of my mother in law, "you are still my daughter even if you are not married to my son" close to my heart.
I am sure it is not ever easy to go through this, but in a foreign country with your family an ocean away, it sucks pretty bad sometimes. It would suck a lot more if the people around me were not so stubbornly determined to choose love. Icelanders are amazing that way. In general, everyone is sad that it ended, myself included, but then people say something along the lines of, "Well, but these things happen, and it is so good that you are friends, and can still be good parents to the children." Exactly. I never thought this would happen, and when it did I was worried I would never be happy again. I was worried (irrationally) that since so much good in my life has come from this relationship, if the relationship ended, so would the good stuff. But that's not true. This experience (and subsequent therapy) has made me realize that I am a very positive person...maybe a bit too positive sometimes. I can tend to see the world the way I want it to be instead of how it actually is. Looking on the bright side makes me a happy person, but it also makes me ignore things that should not be ignored, and justify things that should be challenged head-on.
I find myself thinking of Yggdrasil, the tree of life in old Norse mythology. The way I see it, I have been following a nice, easy branch on my journey through this life. My branch was sturdy and straight. It was the branch that I thought I was supposed to climb. Such a beautiful branch when you look at it from down below. But my branch hit a snarl last year. A big, terrifying ugly knot in the wood. It feels like I am on the other side of that now, and my life will not be the way I thought it would, but my branch is still there. It's still beautiful, but I don't see where it is going. I'm off script. Surrendering to some new adventure. Which is exciting, when you think about it.
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